Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Just Don’t Get It...

Although I am so blessed with some really terrific people in my life, people who have been there for me no matter what and who support me and who are always there for me, trying to get some people to understand the major depressive disorder and mania I have been dealing with is so very hard. It is almost like another battle I have to endure while trying to get better.  I almost killed myself it got so bad. I know now that is no answer but still some no matter how I explain myself, they just don't get it at all. They just think it is something I can snap out of and it couldn't be furthest from the truth...don't get me wrong, I wish there was some magic wand to wave and poof Dawn is all back to normal. But sadly it is not the case.  It is taking a lot of hard work in therapy and medication to allow me to function in a way so I can just get out of bed every day and take care of my husband and children.

The best way I can explain it for me is I feel like I am down in a deep, dark scary well. No ladder, no rope, no blanket, no pillow, just a deep dark, scary well and everyone else around me keeps walking back and forth up above and occassionally yells down at me, "hey, Dawn, . . .you are in a hole . . . you should climb out and come up here with the rest of us!" and then I say, "I have no ladder or rope, please help me!" . . . but nobody hears what I really need . . . they just keep walking by before they can realize that I REALLY DO NEED HELP! I try so hard to reach out for that help but sadly only a very few ever hear me and throw me a rope or a ladder and help me up climb out of it. I know for me my therapist and my medications are my rope and ladder so to speak, I just wish people could understand and be more mindful of what it is I am going through and know it is not a choice for me to want to feel so terrible. I want out of this deep, dark scary well.  It is not a fun place to be and feel so alone and scared.

Sadly, for a few people in my life, I have had to distance myself from because they can't show support or they have been cruel in what they have said. When just a little kindness and support was all I really needed to help get me out of this deep dark scary hole I am in. I am really getting tired of trusting them with my feelings, because it seems just when I think they might understand and sometimes they even say they do . . . boom! I get knocked back by something they do or say that puts me spiraling down that well even deeper.  They don't even know what I'm feeling and they will probably never ever understand the depth of the pain they caused by just walking by instead of reaching out to help me.

It's sad that they can and have taken support from me or others around me when it was needed for them, but they cant show it in the way that was needed...when I needed them to most understand and support me. I may as well learn not to share what I am going through with anyone because when I open my heart and reach out for support it gets crushed leaving me spiral further down then I was before. I think I get sad and hurt because I am the type of person who would reach out for someone else and I expect that it should be reciprocated when I need that help now but sadly it doesn't happen.  I just don’t understand and want to but right now I have to worry about me and trying to get better and like I said.  Even thought there are ones who will just not get it and that hurts more than you know, I do have some real terrific people in my life that are there and do get my major depression and are such a great support to me.  I know I will get through this and hopefully come out stronger and hopefully happier in the end.  


Hugs,



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